Are You Serious? What Is A Jeep Mall Crawler?

A Mall Crawler is a very specific thing. It is a vehicle that is designed with looks over function. The accessories will shine and glimmer, but they won’t hop over a curb. They are for people that want the look but don’t want to earn it.

Maybe a weekend warrior’s wife wants the look but she is more of a spectator than a driver and wants to feel close to the lifestyle without getting her hands dirty. The soccer mom will drive one.

What Does Mall Rated Mean?

Mall Rated is a parody of the Jeep Trail Rating system. Jeeps are synonymous with off-road. When you see a Jeep that is too shiny, too aesthetically pleasing with no sign of dirt, it may be Mall Rated. If the Jeep has big rims and skinny tires it is Mall Rated. If it has too much chrome it is Mall Rated.

You will see a soccer mom in a Mall Rated Jeep. You will see Mall Rated Jeeps in front of a mall (imagine that). You will not see a Mall Rated Jeep in the hills getting dirty.

They won’t leave the pavement because they have all the bells and whistles to look pretty. A woman all done up with make-up won’t want to play a pickup game of football.

What Is Mall Crawler Mean?

Your mom has a mall crawler. Soccer moms drive mall crawlers. Jeeps that look like they are ready for anything are going to the store or the mall and nothing more. They are a money pit. Like an off-road beast or a rock crawler, they love all the accessories you can bolt on them.

But they are only for looks. The function takes a back seat and rightfully so. Stick on chrome or huge wheels with street tires don’t function so well. Racing stripes don’t look so cool when you’re spinning tires getting your pretty paint job all dirty.

You can call them a Street Princess” or maybe Brodozers”. They are off-road badass trucks or SUVs that never leave the dirt and sit there and look pretty. They are the show dog. They are the trophy wife. High maintenance and low function.

Make Your Own Custom Jeep Badges

Some people are taking it one step further:

“It’s a Jeep. If I wanted a Hummer, I’d call your sister”

  • Jurassic Rated
  • Pirate Rated
  • Beach Rated
  • Not His Rated
  • Her Jeep Rated
  • Taco Rated
  • Surf Rated
  • K-9 Rated

Thanks for reading and stay dirty

Written by Mud Flap

Hi Im Ryne Sweeney, or, Mud Flap. I am a dedicated truck enthusiast. I like to argue how Dodges are expensive pieces of metal. One day I will start showering daily inside the house. My nights are long and my days are muddy.

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